The Supreme Court ruled today that employers may opt-out of providing birth control coverage in their healthcare benefits for employees due to personal objections regarding its use. Now, many people who are currently on birth control are being faced with the possibility of having to disclose their deeply personal and complex reasons for its use to their employers for the possibility of affordable coverage.
While employers being able to make reproductive choices for their employees is completely ludicrous by itself, this ruling also fails to take into consideration the plethora of reasons that people take birth control in the first place, some of which have little or nothing to do with reproduction. But these reasons can be painful, personal, or difficult to explain without a doctor to translate.
This is where I can offer my services. With your choice of packages below, I will take on the task of explaining to your employer in great detail why you require birth control, taking away the difficulty of face-to-face interaction while making sure your boss gets the information you wish to convey.
I am qualified to provide this service because I:
have experience teaching reproductive education to young children
am a writer and practiced public speaker comfortable with PowerPoint
am quite small and able to fit through tight spaces (I will elaborate on this later)
Basic Package:
I will schedule a time to meet with your boss under a guise best suitable for your profession. I will then explain in great detail the medical implications of PCOS, cystic acne, or debilitating monthly symptoms tailored to your personal experience.
Basic Package with Visual Upgrade:
I will execute the above plan WITH the use of visual aids. These can be provided by the client or sourced from a general internet search (package includes the use of various medical textbooks and case study archives).
Premium Package:
If your boss is hard to reach or does not hold open office hours, the purchase of our Premium Package will guarantee an audience. I will break into your boss' residence outside of business hours and refuse to leave until they have viewed my presentation. Our telecom specialists will make sure all phone lines and internet signals are cut for the duration of our time together to prevent unwelcome interruption. This package includes all perks of the tiers below, including the use of visual aids to be shown on any home entertainment system available.
Premium Package with Tactile Upgrade:
Our top-tier package includes all of our premium services with an immersive touch. With this add-on to the premium program, your boss will have a high-quality tactile experience while watching my presentation in the form of menstrual cramps. Electro-shock therapy applied to the abdominal muscles has been shown to recreate the experience of low- to medium-grade cramps for those who are unfamiliar with the sensation. This final educational aid will increase recall of the information learned during my presentation while fostering a heightened sense of community in the workplace based on this new mutual understanding.