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Perks To Offer Your Employees So They Forget About That Raise They Asked For

Updated: Jan 18

In a new issue of Capitalism Nightmares, Starbucks recently offered a meditation app to its employees in response to low morale. The app is supposed to help reduce the stress and anxiety that comes from working such a fast-paced and under-staffed job, but does little for the stress and anxiety that comes from wages staying disproportionate to the basic costs of living.

According to the following email leaked from Starbucks corporate management, this attempt to "app"ease their workers may just be the beginning.

To: Starbucks Elite Partners


Re: Re: Re: Wage Demands

Those of us who have worked for our positions at the top know that the only way to crawl out of a low-paying barista job is to grind harder. They way up will not always be a smooth blend of light and dark like our dependable Pike Place Roast, but instead will embody the succulent success and bitter strength of our Sweet Cream Cold Brew. We cannot always provide higher wages or supplement more workers during rush hours and holidays, but we at Starbucks are a family - anyone who you are forced to spend time with at 4 a.m. must be family - and we try and provide the best for our partners, as long as it is not actual monetary compensation for labor.

We are prepared to roll out the below perks to pep up our partners who have so ungratefully demanded raises above their espresso stations.

1. Subscription to EveryDollar

Helping our partners pay for a budgeting app sends the message that the issue isn't how much they're earning, but that they aren't saving enough of it. With some personal responsibility, they'll stretch their dollar so far that the shame of personal failure will envelop their indignation.

2. Free Google Home

If Spotify can give them away, we can too. This way, if any partners attempt to organize, we'll be able to hear them from the privacy of their homes due to voluntary constant surveillance.

3. Coffee Mugs

To remind our partners of the importance of our mission - to caffeinate the upper-class white population of Seattle for almost 50 years.

4. Drink Creation Guides for Family and Friends

Part of what makes ou company great is our ability to innovate. New drinks and the "secret menu" specials are what keep people coming back to Starbucks again and again. A booklet of new, fresh fraps and rainbow drinks will allow our employees to spread the magic.

5. Free Fitness Classes

We don't only care about our partners' mental health, but physical health as well. That's why we offer passes to classes that meet at the same time every week, so even if their shift schedule varies, they may be able to make a couple of them!

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