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Horoscopes for the Week of 1/30/2070

Aries (March 21-April 19) ♈

Center yourself, Aries. As the water sneaks in closer to our shores, you are reminded of your place at the core of things. Take some time for you this week and remember that while no man is an island, you are pretty damn close.


Taurus (April 20-May 20) ♉

This week will be full of surprises for you, but only if you open yourself up to possibility. Take a new route to work. Say hi to a stranger. Learn a new instrument. Take your facemask off for a few minutes and breathe*. The world is your oyster.

*Not recommended for more than 8 minutes in areas designated high to moderate risk by the CDC.


Gemini (May 21-June 20) ♊

The world may seem against you this week, Geminis. And that's because it is. Join the Gemini Liberation League (GeLL) today. Mind-message 612-ABB-5P2Y for more information.


Cancer (June 21-July 22) ♋

If possible, this is a week for travel. Luck will be with you if you set out with clear intentions. You don't have to pilot the plane to know where you are going. Beware of old friends with new intentions - they are where they are in your life for a reason.


Leo (July 23-August 22) ♌

You have a tendency to lead with your heart, but put your emotions aside this week. Your goals are in reach as long as you keep moving forward. Momentum is your friend and entropy is inevitable. Bring forth the heat-death of stagnation.


Virgo (August 23-September 22) ♍

With Venus in the twelfth house (we assume, pollution levels are currently obstructing planetary views) it is the week for romance! If you are in a relationship, be sure to tell your squeeze how much you appreciate them with some ArtiFlowers or sugarfree chocolates. If you are looking for love, put yourself out there by purchasing 50 free swipes on us.


Libra (September 23-October 22) ♎

You will find yourself welcome in the strangest nooks and crannies. You will mold yourself into the cracks in the sidewalk. Your mother's spine is no match for your ability to melt into empty spaces. You are fluid. You are viscous. You may yet survive.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21) ♏

Find time to celebrate with the people in your life. Knock back a Corona™ (sponsored) and sit by the pool. Warm January days give you no excuse to stay inside and isolated. Keep an eye out for any lucrative personal or professional opportunities.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) ♐

Get in touch with your creative side. Bringing something new into the world will bring you joy whether or not you choose to share it. Starting a project may feel like a momentous task, but breaking it down step by step will serve you well.


Capricorn (December 22-January 19) ♑

Self-doubt may not be in your nature, but try for a little perspective. Take time this week to talk with someone who might disagree with you. Post-truth is the new fact-check. Embrace uncertainty and dive into the discourse.


Aquarius (January 20-February 18) ♒

Life is chaotic and you are vulnerable this week to being lost in the shuffle. Take a break from your iPhone, iPad, iGlasses, iMac Ultra, iPod Retro, iWatch, iFriends, iPet, iStream, iBook, iCar, iJordans, iHome, iCinema, iRecord, iPolaroid, iCoffee, iYogaMat...and breathe*.

*Again, see CDC restrictions.


Pisces (February 19-March 20) ♓

Don't shy away from conflict this week. It will happen whether you seek it or not. Your soul is made to be split and re-stitched again. Sowing seeds only leads to new life.


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