Jack Dorsey University Fellowship in Unsolicited Medical Advice: Seeking Candidates
My healthcare provider, livelovefruit.com, would never disappoint me.
The Jack Dorsey University (JDU) Fellowship in Unsolicited Medical Advice is a GOOP-funded three year program currently accepting exclusively unqualified applicants.
The program accepts candidates with no advanced degrees in anything resembling a medical field who are interested in learning to provide free, accessible, and completely unfounded medical advice to strangers on the internet.
Areas of special interest within UMA include 1) concern for stranger's weight and 2) the dismissal of all pharmaceutical medications. Other areas of focus and faculty expertise include moral judgement, a superiority complex, and the creation and execution of personal result-based studies (also known as "This Works for Me" studies).
Past fellows’ investigations have spanned a wide range of utilized skills and tools including:
1) irrelevant comparisons
2) the addition of statistics into any statement
3) praising complete strangers for eating salads.
Some fellows may pursue a rigorous curriculum that could expand their reach from broader social media platforms and into actual support group settings, like this candidate, who chose to provide his expertise in a diabetes support page:
Each Fellow is expected to design, conduct, present, and publish at least two original investigative projects. Many of our prior fellows now lead trolling threads in networks across the world and are national/international leaders in the field. Examples of their work can be found below.
Tami, don't be disrespectful. Don't you know how hard Carol worked to earn the right to tell you not to bother your health care provider by asking them to provide you care for your health?
Personally, I wish I had found Zinette's advice sooner. At 14 years old, it wasn't my immune system that was the problem, it was my attitude! Maybe if I had eaten exclusively organic plants instead of chowing down on school-provided lunches, I could have brought my TSH levels down from the absolute highest my team of endocrinologists had ever seen in a teenager. Green Day wasn't cutting it for this girl - would it have killed me to listen to a few cellos? Not to mention all the alcohol I had....never tried. To think, despite my almost complete insomnia, constant shaking and sweating, panic attacks and bulging eye sockets, I was actually just a few Epsom baths and a silver dollar away from total health. Who knew?
Fortunately, the JDU Fellowship for Unsolicited Medical Advice will continue to pump out graduates whose goal is to keep others from making my mistake. Take it from @Goddess_Zuri, one of our most distinguished non-doctors to ever make it through the program:
Interested candidates should send a CV and cover letter to email@example.com with the subject line HAVE U TRIED.