Boston Water Works
How to prepare for a gently soaked Beantown.
A few months ago, a friend of mine brought this article to my attention, detailing the exact way that Boston would become an inundation point for climate change. Ever since a certain toddler with a twitter decided to leave the Paris climate accords, the vision of an underwater Beantown has become more and more distinct. For some of you, this may sound like a welcome change from the swampy heat of New England summer, but for those of us who are less water-prone, here are a few tips to prepare for the coming storm.
1. Sign up for adult swim classes at your local fitness center
Even if you took lessons as a kid, you could probably use a reminder. Instead of the cute and cuddly sea creatures from kids classes, I suggest the adult courses use more realistic mascots for their different levels, such as "endangered coral", "oil spills" and "floating trash bags choking sea turtles" (FTBCST for short).
2. Consider adjustments to your morning commute
Tired of having to go all the way to Government Center or Park Street to change lines on the MTBA? Fear not, for a flooded Boston will allow you to plan a route that runs not only north/south-east/west, but also up-down. Plot a swim routine where the top Beacon Hill and the skyscrapers of the Financial District serve as your docks, allowing you to touch down on the occasional parking garage for a breather.
3. Invest in snorkle gear
An underwater Boston doesn't mean you have to sacrifice seeing the sites of our beautiful city. A snorkle mask will allow you to observe the changing ecosystem as Boston slowly becomes an Atlantic coast line. Float through the Boston Common to watch schools of albacore float up Doobie Hill. Watch as the scaffolding on Emerson College's Little Building becomes a complex shellfish ecosystem. Observe sea slugs avoid living along the B line because there is still construction blocking the BU bridge.
4. Shift your brand loyalties
While the taste for Dogfish Head IPAs may decrease dramatically among college kids when dogfish become the new Allston rats, the price of lobster will certainly decrease once the lobsters themselves have taken over Back Bay, resulting in affordable lobster rolls for everyone. Harpoon brewery may need to change its name or risk being mistaken for a supplies store, but rest assured that the Take Five will still be available.
5. Figure out how the heck water polo even works
Sorry, Sox Fans. Sorry (not sorry) Bruins fans. Sorry, Celtics supporters. But the times are changing, and if Boston wants to remain a sports town, we're going to need to adjust. Not to say our star athletes can't be repurposed. I would love to see Gordon Hayward bond with his new teammates via some synchronized swimming.