So I'm sitting in a coffee shop with Indeed pulled up on my computer, as it has been so often for the past few weeks that I should probably just make it my homepage, when I come upon an internship in social media.
Required: Bachelor's Degree
This, my friends, is why millennials are not buying diamonds. Because I just spent four years and thousands of dollars my parent's money on a degree that, according to this posting, is fit to earn me exactly one dollar above minimum wage.
But! Not to worry. While job prospects sink, the threat of nuclear war started by a whiny Cheeto in diapers has never been higher. Therefor, I have taken it upon myself to brainstorm some helpful post-apocalyptic professions for those of us who just aren't finding what we need on the local job boards.
Prescription Drug Runner Through Nuclear Waste Sites
Job Description: Help deliver prescription medications to the elderly by tracking the best routes through local toxic areas.
Requirements: Physical endurance, protective gear and a good sense of fun!
Compensation: Access to rare medication and retail experience
Social Media Manager for Atmosphere Toxicity Tracking
Job Description: We are seeking someone who is excited to bring innovation and creativity to our daily reports of CO2 in the air.
Requirements: Knowledge of Microsoft Office, InDesign and other multimedia platforms. PhD level or higher degree in climatology studies.
Compensation: The knowledge that you are serving your community!
Job Description: Menial office tasks including seeking out living wood and forming the pulp into paper to fill the printer, coffee runs south of the border, and continuous note-taking to combat the memory-loss effects of radiation poisoning.
Requirements: 5+ years of professional experience in an office setting infested with large cockroaches. They will outlive us all.
Compensation: Resume building and professional connections. Does not include opportunity for advancement.
After-School Tutor in Alternative History
Job Description: Seeking educator to provide approved facts missing from previously published history texts. Subject areas include the Chinese creation of global warming, Andrew Jackson's civil rights victories, and Frederick Douglas's continuing career.
Requirements: Bachelor's degree or higher in history prohibited.
Compensation: $12/hour and bigly thanks.
Job Description: Working with actual spiders to spin alternative fabrics to cotton.
Requirements: 3+ years of arachnid communications strongly preferred.
Compensation: The survival secrets of the spiders.