- Apr 10
- 2 min read
Pick an Outfit and We'll Tell You How Worried to Be About Coronavirus
First, pick a top:
Next, choose your pants: one leg at a time, as they say!
B. get in the Cage
C. zipper disaster
D. salmon sweats
Slip on your shoes:
A. sheep toes
B. a lil booster
C. toe beans
Choose a jacket to finish off the look:
A. ant killer
B. shoulder to cry about
C. if you can't see my mirrors
D. where's my supersuit
And finally, an accessory, just for fun!
A. gucc scoop
B. spy kids watch
C. dark hearts
D. aggressively outdoorsy white man
Mostly As: You idiot. You absolute moron. You should be more worried about the dangers of daily activities than the coronavirus. Do you know how many people die from coconuts falling on their heads annually? That could be you. Be reassured: something else will kill you first.
Mostly Bs: You were so close! You would have survived. But that one blunt you smoked back in 2013 - you know, the one you hit because everyone else in your college a capella group were improvising and the vibe just felt right, ya know? Anyway, now you're on the fast track to the 'roni. Wear a mask, wash your hands, and contemplate your life choices.
Mostly Cs: You already know this, but you're made of steel. You're an American, goddamnit, and nothing will stop you from living your best American life. The virus can't cage the land of the free and you will not be tread on. Go forth, oh mighty Adonis!
Mostly Ds: Honestly? It's up in the air. We recommend consulting a coin flip, tarot deck, or pair of dice in this troubled time. Embrace the absence of control and skinny-dip in the vast dark sea of uncertainty. Raise your flag and holler: nobody is coming to show you the way.